Single. Mama. My Diary- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

Just a heads up that this is going to be a ranty, moany post BUT I need you all to know that despite this I am aware of how blessed I am to have twins, to have successfully carried children and to be able to even get pregnant at all. I’m not ungrateful I just need to get this out of my system. Okuuuuuur!

Raising a 2 year old and newborn twins is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’m struggling.

When I was pregnant I read and assumed being a twin mum was going to be a tough job and it is… but having a toddler who has to get used to his mama giving her attention elsewhere, frustrated he can’t communicate on the same level his brain works at and on the cusp of terrible twos WHILST trying to navigate keeping two babies thriving is what actually is the tough job!

Sometimes when I’m alone with the twins I think to myself THIS IS OK, THIS IS DOABLE. Yes, I have to divide my attention between the two of them but it’s ok. I have two hands to feed them both, I’ve mastered being able to burp them at the same time, albeit awkward, I can carry them both together, I can manage two.

THEN

Eliyah wakes up… usually crying, probably sobbing that he’s hungry (the latest thing that he’s constantly telling me but never actually wanting to eat (imagine the looks I get when I’m out with him and he’s screaming this at the top of his lungs- like I’m starving my child!)).

At this point I’ve learned that it’s actually easier being out of the house so Eliyah can burn off all his energy and be distracted by the constant flow of diggers, mixers, tractors, construction- all the things you probably never realised there was so much of in London.

HOWEVER I have yet to master a quick ‘get ready’ routine so nowadays it takes about 3 hours and typically leaves me throwing on tracksuit bottoms (I never wanted to be this person) and FORGETTING to put even a dot of concealer under my eyes to cover the dark circles I have because I NEVER SLEEP!!!!!! As you can imagine during this 3 hour period all 3 of them

  • cry at me
  • want food
  • need their nappy changed about 4 times each because their poo time are in sync
  • a couple changes of clothes
  • aaaaaaand a pop (lollipop) or 2 to bribe Eliyah to stop crying/ get off his bike/ be a good boy/ stop throwing things/ stop hitting/ give me a kiss/ EVERYTHING I NEED HIM TO DO!

So we’re out the door… that involves having Pasha in the carrier (he’s the lightest), Eliyah in the top seat and Eadn in the bottom.

Doesn’t sound like a lot but people stare so much when they see us walking around. The pram is heavy, Eliyah weighs 30+ pounds and Eadn is a little chunk plus I’ve got a 10 pound baby strapped to me…. everyday is a never ending workout!

With all this in mind how do I then get on public transport? Get through the aisles in shops? Push everyone uphill? Feed Pasha in the carrier? Go to the toilet when I’m out? Deal with a tantrum with a baby strapped to me? Respond when all 3 are crying at the same time? What happens when it rains??????

So many questions and yet I still don’t have any solid answers for you.

I WING IT and pray that I at least keep all three of them alive…

What I can tell you is that I accept help whenever it’s offered! I live for the day and I’m learning how to zone out the constant noise around me. I appreciate a solid few hours sleep more than I ever have and I am really learning what self care means and looks like to me. I have realised that I am a warrior, resilient and a damn good mum. Most of all though I know what real, hardcore, unconditional, will-never-go-away-even-though-I-want-to-runaway love feels like. It’s incredible and worth every tear, struggle and challenge.

I’m going to raise 3 fantastic human beings and ultimately I’m excited about that.

From now on though I will try to keep the moaning to a minimum but I can’t promise anything as some days are absolutely horrific BUT I’ll be honest I can promise you that.

Nemi x

4 thoughts on “Single. Mama. My Diary- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

  1. Just so real. The honesty is very refreshing amidst all the online insta bullshit and lies…you’ll get through this though! You got this 💪🏽

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  2. Totally understandable and very real/raw. But remember that you don’t have to have it all figured out. Sometimes organised chaos is what you need, and can actually work just fine as long as you are not losing your sanity and falling into depression. Who needs a tidy house 24/7? Who needs to get ready in 30minutes when you don’t actully have an appointment or other important place to go to? Let things flow, it’s ok when you have 3 kids. Speaking from experience, as you know. It’s almost 1pm as I type this but I’ve only just come downstairs for breakfast because we had a terrible night with our newborn. That’s life! P.S: you don’t look like your struggle 😄.

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