Single. Mama. My Diary. Struggling with everything.

So I wrote a pregnancy update a week ago talking about how I was doing well and how I’ve been keeping active etc…

Well my friends that ship has sunk, very quickly I might add. Basically overnight.

Eliyah hurt his arm, I took him to a&e, a nurse popped his elbow back into place, 2 nights later he had a nurovirus, from playing with the hospital toys I assume, and sicked up on my face. THEN BAM. I wake up the next morning, I’m not ill BUT I’m aching from the weight of my bump. Seems like the boys grew a pound or 2 each but my body didn’t grow with them and now my ribs are about to snap. Great. I look in the mirror and think I see a little stretch mark appearing but what really gets me are the two lines at the top of my bump that make it seem as if someone has just stuck a huge belly onto my normal body….

I’m stretched to full capacity. When the babies move it isn’t a joyous occasion anymore… it’s HELL. The pain is such that I can’t sit still because they are actually trampling on my organs and I’ve been throwing up at least once a day because of this. These boys are now crippling my back making it hard to bend down, get up off anything, sit down on anything and even breathe. I just can’t get comfortable. Standing, sitting, laying down and even in the bath… I have yet to find a position that I can enjoy or be in for more than 5 minutes.

You know what that means???? I can’t sleep!

And you know what that means??? I’m a bitch.

I’ll admit it. I don’t do well when I’m too tired and at this point I’m beyond exhausted.

So yes, I’m tired, in pain AND Eliyah is being crazy clingy. He won’t let me leave his sight, he says ‘mummy’ constantly… literally even in his sleep and obviously he doesn’t get that I can’t pick him up/ bend down/ let him jump and bounce on me which means there’s lots of moaning ALL THE TIME. I’ve had some real testing times this week with him, interspersed with lots of moments where I feel he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever encountered and where I’m in awe of the little boy I’ve created, BUT even so he’s been SO annoying. I locked myself in the garage at my grans so I could get just a second to myself. I needed to physically cool down (I’m so damn hot), be on my own and have a second to release and cry.

I need a day off.

I need some help.

Don’t get me wrong my family and friends do help (so thankful btw) but it’s not like having a partner who is obliged to take the baby while you go for a poo or take them out for a walk while you nap if they’re around.

I’m contemplating paid help. Unrealistic but I think I need some type of schedule where I know Eliyah will be with someone else and I can rest/ run errands/ cry etc… whatever it is I MUST sort something out. I may have a breakdown otherwise.

It’s really moments like this where I think to myself if ever the baby daddy comes knockin to be in any of our lives again I definitely need to remember how hard some of this has been and that HE decided not to be there for that. He’s going to really need to prove himself for me to even think about it.

The last thing that I’ve been finding difficult this past week is dealing with other people’s judgement and opinions. Being around lots of extended family 24/7 for a longer period of time means being exposed to how other people think I should being raising and disciplining my child. Then having them try to enforce what they think on me and my son. WTF????? THEN making me feel unreasonable for feeling irritated by it.

Obviously I’m going to be pissed off!!! This is my child, I’m with him 24/7, I know his cues and I’m attentive to them, I don’t spoil or neglect him, I know what his likes and dislikes are and I know what he responds to. So unless I ask for help or advice I expect you to just enjoy him and leave me to it. The most frustrating thing is that because I can’t be as mobile, playful and tolerant with Eliyah right now I obviously feel guilty about that and having other people tell me what to do with him makes me feel insecure.

Then I have to check myself.

I am doing the best I can. I’m on my own with a 1 year old and 8 1/2 months pregnant with twins. Reflecting on things I think I’m doing a f*%king great job. Not long left until I at least I have my body back and I can be more present.

Labour can’t come fast enough.

Nemi x

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