My baby father.
I haven’t been able to get him out of my head this past week. I LITERALLY have had 3/4 hours sleep every night because the anxiety will just not let my mind rest. He’s not around and I feel guilty about that. At the same time part of me feels like it’s for the best. I want what’s best for my children but my heart clouds my judgement sometimes.
I’m so confused.
Let me explain a little…
We have had a looooong, complicated relationship but have actually never been exclusive to each other. That, unfortunately, means that we’ve been in relationships with other people whilst being together and then also been apart for months/ years… yet we always find our way back to each other.
What’s fucked up is that for the majority of our relationship I’ve never wanted to claim him as mine BUT he has also been the cause of the end of a few of my relationships with people I actually WANTED to claim as mine.
He’s been one of my closest friends who’s seen parts of me I haven’t let others see. He’s been someone I know will always be there if I call. Over the years I’ve seen that despite any mistakes I’ve made or anything I do he has always come back, accepts and forgives me. I want to say he loves me or has loved me atleast. Although I’ve come to realise LOVE comes in so many different forms and in this instance it may not be a good thing.
As well as a deep friendship we have chemistry. Intense chemistry. Our sexual connection is FIRE. Our first kiss was film worthy. I literally feel like I’m falling when I’m physically connected to him. He knows me, I know him and sex with him has only ever gotten better.
Like I said though… we’ve never been exclusive and there are a few reasons for this which started off as my call.
For starters we’re from two very different backgrounds… I’m from a middle class family, I went to private school out of the area, I had opportunities available to me and I was book smart not street smart. He learned what he knows on the street, he didn’t finish school and finds it difficult to live a legit life. He’s from a good family but I guess the streets got the better of him. In a nutshell, he’s a little rough. For these reasons when I was a teenager I knew there was no chance in hell I could ever introduce him to my family. Then he got a tattoo on his neck before it became fashionable and that was just the icing on the cake! So sneaking around from our families became our thing. Sounds like bloody Romeo and Juliet doesn’t it!!
Because of how it all started we fell into this predicament of wanting to be with each other, knowing it wasn’t possible (he got into an on/ off relationship with a woman he ended up having 2 children with) but our connection was so strong that we always ended up together.
I also wanted to pursue my career and be based abroad… that would never fit in within his lifestyle, however, he was always so proud of my ambition and encouraged it too. He was allowing me to just do me because we weren’t tied down to each other which, looking back, was also part of the appeal for me.
As years past despite having so many great times with each other and unknowingly falling in love with him our history made it too complicated for us to be together. Then one day I came close to being on the receiving end of a side of him I knew about but had never fully experienced.
Yes, he had a temper and I’d seen little sparks of it towards other people but with me he wasn’t like that and usually if we were pissed with each other we’d have time apart. Everything would be forgotten about and we’d start again. I always made him promise that he would never hurt me. He always replied ‘Never’.
This time though he was physical with me. I could see in his eyes that his temper was taking over him and he was trying hard to fight the urge to fuck me up. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that scared before in my life. Sense got the better of him though. He let me go and walked away.
Months past and I was dead set on changing my life. I wanted to recover from my eating disorder and be able to live well whilst dealing with depression. I met someone who seemed to understand what I was going through and was also on a journey to free himself from mental struggles. I wanted to change my life with him! As much as I loved him we weren’t physically compatible and needless to say whilst in the midst of figuring out if this guy was the right person to be with I fell back into old habits AND fell pregnant too.
I didn’t tell him.
Because I was afraid for myself.
And afraid of upheaving his life and his relationship with his other kids.
Fast forward a year and a half we took a DNA test. Eliyah was his.
I broke the news to family and friends…
Complete and utter devastation from everyone around me.
We started seeing each other again without everyone knowing (as usual). Whilst he seemed happy to know Eliyah was his finally he resented that he’d missed his birth and nearly all of his first year. I quickly realised that mentally he was in the worst place he’d ever been in and even though he pushed me hard to find out if Eliyah was his he kind of used that as an excuse to get to me. He had been through the death of someone close him, he was shit at dealing with negative emotions and he wanted comfort.
Me, weed and alcohol did it for him, among other things I’m sure.
Everything spiralled out of control within a matter of months. He broke the promise he had continually made to me and left me with a burst lip. When I told him I was pregnant it got potentially life threatening. Now we have no contact and we’re in the process of going to court. If I’m honest, it’s not what I want AT ALL but the sensible and hurt part of me thinks he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Should I take into consideration what he was going through and let time cool everything off???
I. Just. Don’t. Know.
I’m 29 weeks pregnant with his twins, already have a toddler with him, deep feelings that have yet to fade away and, if I’m honest, a bit of a guilty conscience that it will be MY fault my children don’t have their dad in their lives and that I took away that opportunity from him again.
As I get closer to the birth of these boys I feel like this issue is taking over my being and I worry that it may spark off some postnatal depression.
It’s very much a struggle between my brain and my heart. Which do I listen too?
The anxiety is too much. THANK GOD for my therapy session this week.
I’ll keep you updated.