With Eliyah being so young still and with the tiredness that pregnancy brings I don’t often get much time to just be and collect my thoughts. But Saturday gone Eliyah had settled down to bed early, I was not yet ready to sleep and no one was around.
Usually I would really look forward to this quality time with myself. I could practise a little bit of self care or catch up on some of my favourite trash TV and maybe write a blog post… but I wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t really been bothered to do much at all that day although I had just about managed to do some cleaning, start some washing, keep Eliyah entertained and put some sort of meal together for dinner. It felt like I’d hardly touched the surface of what was on my constantly expanding ‘to do list’ but we were both alive and fed so mission accomplished for the day I guess. Anyway, 7pm was here and now was the time I could really put the ‘I CANT BE BOTHERED’ feeling to use and veg out in front of the sofa.
I couldn’t settle. It didn’t feel comfortable. Its not that I was physically uncomfortable it was more like some part of me mentally was unsatisfied. I toyed with the idea of scoffing down 2 packets of biscuits, that would give me something to do and fill me up… maybe I was hungry???
I sat in the dark for a bit. Silent.
I felt sad.
I felt low.
I felt lonely.
I think it was then that it truley sank in- I am alone in this. Yes I have a huge amount of support from my family and close friends and, yes, I am very aware of how lucky I am to have this. However on a Saturday night, heavily pregnant and feeling shitty I couldn’t help but long for a cuddle, a kiss, someone to hold my hand and someone to share my worries and excitement with. In particular someone who desperately wanted to meet their flesh and blood.
Honestly I don’t think it was one of the days I missed MY baby daddy (unfortunately I do have days like that) it was more that I felt like I wanted someone, ANYONE, to want me. To want to care for me. Want to hold me. Admire me for how strong I am and how well I’m doing during this pregnancy. Someone to look at me and love me more because I am growing 2 human beings, 2 halves of them inside me.
Saddest part is I know how that feels and it was me that messed up.
I know there’s a good reason why, this time, I’m on my own. A character building reason. Like it’s in Gods (or the higher powers that be) plan for me to really learn self love, self worth and my own strength. Maybe the last piece of the puzzle to my recovery? I’m going to learn something from this regardless. It’s too much of a big life change to not become a better person after it all right?
Anyway I’m going to try and embrace being alone and not run away from the feeling. Sit with it. Acknowledge it. Accept it. And try very hard not to eat all the cookies in the cookie jar in the meantime haha.