I want to say I had a bad day yesterday. Bad because I feel like I relapsed. Relapse for me entails either binging on an unreal amount of food and/or purging it from my body one way or another.
Did I do any of that?
What did happen was that I ate more than I usually do of which included food I rarely choose to eat… like Burger King, a bacon double cheeseburger meal to be exact. I can’t tell you the last time I ate fast food like that and I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t really enjoy it or if it’s one of the types of food I don’t allow myself to eat because I deem it as ‘bad’ food. Yesterday’s ‘bad’ food also consisted of some sweets, a bowl of cereal and a packet of crisps.
I am recovered enough to realise as I type this that feeling like I’ve relapsed after one day of over indulging is irrational.
If I step outside of my disordered way of thinking about food I know what’s actually happened is that my body has been hungrier that normal this past week (duhhhhh I’m creating 2 humans inside me!!!!) and I haven’t let myself eat to satiation. My bodies been telling me ‘I’M HUNGRY coz I’ve got some growing kids to feed in here’ and my brains been trying to limit rations from fear of gaining an unnecessary amount of weight, an unknown amount of weight, double the amount of weight I gained during my singleton pregnancy maybe?… which was more than I had realised.
The questions that are only faintly present in the back of my mind these days push and shove their way forward and practically scream at me. AM I GOING TO END UP MASSIVE, whale like and not ever be able to get some sort of my shape back? Will I ‘ruin’ my body way before I’m even in my 30’s and in my prime? Why don’t I have better self control? I then became very aware of my jawline… it doesn’t seem as bony today. My legs are rubbing together a little more and the gap between the side of my thigh and the chairs armrest seems quite a bit smaller. Are my collarbones still prominent… I have to look in the mirror a couple of times. I wonder if my arms can still fit in the leather jacket I bought 2 months into my pregnancy because this time last pregnancy the arms were tight in everything I wore… I should check.
I was spiralling.
But I caught myself just in time. THANK GOD.
At the end of the day I haven’t purged. I haven’t binged even ( I stopped purging last pregnancy and this time round I wanted to cut out the occasional binging that still took place for me). I hadn’t relapsed!!! But I’m not LISTENING to my body all the time and that’s when disordered thinking around food and my weight starts.
That’s what I’m working on in my recovery right now. The last missing piece to the puzzle but not one I’m 100% sure I’ll find.
Can someone ever truly be free of an eating disorder and the pattern of thinking that ingrains itself into you whilst your struggling with it?
For me I know that since managing to get myself out of the binge/purge cycle being aware and in tune with my hunger and my triggers helps me everyday. It gives me the ability to deal with the sometimes sudden and vast changes that not only pregnancy brings but life too.
This morning I looked in the mirror and said ‘LISTEN to yourself, ACKNOWLEDGE how you’re feeling physically and emotionally then take ACTION from there. INTUITION is powerful. CHANGE doesn’t happen over night’.
This morning I was free.